No joke

I read this somewhere, too!



It works, but if you've been doing it any other way, it takes some getting used to.

my good deed for the day

#4171

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Overheard in the Newsroom

Copy editor: “Spell checker wants to change ‘Trisha Yearwood’ to ‘Trashy Earwig.’”

Um... okay

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

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The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Lord, Give me a sense of humor
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks !

joke

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blondejokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

thank goodness for email

What the...?

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So there I was, minding my own business... sort of. All I wanted to do was post my comment on another blog. I took my time to be certain that what I'd written made perfect sense [sure I did]. I proofread it several times. Then I clicked on the Post Comment button and this appears:

Is Blogger getting so hard up that it has to invent new letters for the alphabet?

aaaaaaargh!

Mr Suldog's got a post I have to go read

Make your reservations today

I'm buying earplugs

I guess I should mention

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Gabe is in his third year of baseball. He has progressed from t-ball and sliding at every base to actually batting at pitched baseballs and only sliding at home. At this stage of development the score is not yet kept, nor does anyone seem to be concerned about balls and strikes or the number of outs (everyone seems to bat every inning). However, what has been amazing is that these kids are beginning to realize that there is such a thing as defense and that even if the ball is not hit to them, there is something they can do to help on each play.

couldn't coach, though,
it would drive me nuts

Baseball... yeah!

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Gabe had a game tonight.
Suldog will may be happy to see that he's no longer with the Yankees. Though he may not consider the Tigers an improvement. They played the Mets. The only difficulty with that was Gabe said they weren't the Mets, even though it said so on the front of the jersey plain as the nose on your face. I guess he was thinking it sat meat... as in grab some pine, meat!

love me some
baseball talk

Mow, mow, mow the lawn

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The convention and wet weather has put me a little behind schedule Yeah, like I really have a schedule so the back lawn really needs attention now.
Well, actually the entire back yard... and front yard, too... needs attention.
We had a landscaper in last Winter to look at it. She said she'd be in touch when the weather improved. Maybe she will?

I hope she will

If you have a delicate constitution,

then you definitely don't want to read this.

...even if it does
provide some pointers

Did I say everything?

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I believe that it was mentioned yesterday, that everything was packed. That's true... technically!
Part of the joy of convention is the Saturday evening banquet, when all of the Past District Governors in attendance put on their finest white dinner jackets, ruffled shirts, cummerbunds and other accouterments to attend the annual Governors Banquet. Of course it helps if one has packed all of the necessities, which I did. What I failed to do was make sure I packed them in the suitcase I was traveling with.
I sure am glad that the only things missing were the cuff links, studs and Bolivian dictator* ribbons.

*someday maybe there'll
be an explanation

In case you missed it

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We were away. We actually left more than an hour earlier than planned. Not that there was any particular need to be at our destination before we originally planned. It's just that everything was packed [there's another story about that], so there was no reason to sit around reading Facebook posts when we could be risking our lives on I-5.
I may have mentioned that the convention was in Corning, a town 40 miles south of here. The two most important things about Corning are that they grow and can a lot of olives and there is a really nice buffet in the casino where we had the Lions Club district convention.
The folks at the casino were really happy the Lions were there.



Golf was great okay on Friday. The weather was fantastic all weekend... even though we spent most of our time indoors.
About the only hiccup all weekend occurred late Friday night/Saturday morning. An annoying beeping sound woke me up. I searched high and low for the source before realizing that it was an alarm clock in the room next to ours. There was nobody in the room to shut it off.

no, I don't know why I
couldn't get the entire
sign in the picture

There's a graphic

I use occasionally to separate items in my blog and in emails. I can't remember where I ripped it off. I am a little frustrated because I've tried to tweak it so that only the line and the eyeballs show up, but thus far my efforts have been unsuccessful.
I think what is most maddening is that until I actually view it in the blog, after it's published, it looks like I want it to look.

we're away from about 2 this afternoon to sometime on Sunday.

not a vacation,
a convention

Okay! now it only does it on the other blog. Sheesh

Go figure

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The weather service has forecast "scattered thunderstorms" for today. Then someone has arranged to scatter all of them right here for most of the day.

maybe it will improve
by this evening

not recommended

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What?
Looking up.
Why?
Because it's raining and you might get something in your eye.
No. That's tomorrow.
What is?
Looking up.
Oh!

Look Up at the Sky Day

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My source, who shall remain nameless, tells me that it's today. According to some research I just finished, it is the day after tomorrow. In any event, if you decided to observe it, do not look directly at the Sun and make sure that there are no errant birds.

don't know why =]V[= wants to focus

My niece...

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who shall remain nameless* because they are all into some really strange schemes at one time or another, sent me a request to join a Facebook group called I live in California...and yes 60 degress is freezing for us Californians.
I have chosen to ignore said request for several reasons. Not because I don't live in California... I do. First and foremost I won't join because it would imply that I don't care about spelling. Next, and equally as important, it would imply that I don't know at what temperature water freezes. Thirdly, I personally appreciate it when, in the Winter months, the temperature actually reaches 60 degrees and I don't have to turn the heat on.

*won't even mention that her whole family has graduated from college

Except for the toddler

I can't pass this one up

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Today is...

Name Yourself Day

If you need help, you can go here to get assistance... or you can email Dear Poochie and ask how Jimi LaRue got his name.
There are a number of name generators available. The one above picked a nice one for me... Michael Todd

wasn't he married
to Liz Taylor?

Sure Happy It's Thursday

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Magnetic Lines Of Farce
Call Center | Hagerstown, MD, USA

(An elderly customer we have would order a new credit card, like clockwork, every two weeks.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am. This is [credit card company]. We were reviewing your history with us and we noticed that you get a new one every two weeks.”

Caller: “Of course I do! They won’t work!”

Me: “What exactly is wrong with it ma’am?”

Caller: “The magnetic strip isn’t working!”

Me: “How can you tell this?”

Caller: “Well, when I put it on the fridge, it just falls off!”

http://notalwaysright.com/

I checked...
mine don't either.

We interupt your reverie...

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THE GIANTS ARE IN FIRST PLACE!!!

okay, so I could get just
as excited about them
being 2-0 on the road

Zito's 1-0 (0.00 ERA)

Update

Three in a row today 10 - 4 over Houston.

Why?

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This just in.
The next thing you know they'll be charging to view their websites.
It's bad enough that some hotels charge as much to park your car as they do to get a room.

go ahead. comment.
it may, or may or
may not appear...
eventually

Well, I thought about it

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Today was the Annual Easter Egg Hunt that the Lions Club that Sharon and I belong to holds at the Anderson River Park.
I was going to post some pictures here but decided against it. There are pictures from last year posted elsewhere. It was a much nicer day. I will probably eventually put this year's photos up on the club's Facebook page because it requires much less work.

We did luck out, though. It was only cold and windy this morning. Now it's raining and even windier.

BTW - we have a house full... since Friday night!!!

the fried chicken
and potato salad
are gone already

We all know what yesterday was

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But, did you know that today is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day?
It's also Gabe's eighth birthday.



Sorry about that uniform, Suldog! Not everyone can play for the Red Sox

he slides because he
can and he calls his
grandma Scooby-Doo

Choose you words carefully

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...and slowly



Guam's gonna what?