What was it I was going to write about?
This'll have to do 'til I remember:
Cowboy rules
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to.
No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle.
They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10, & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Columbus call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
I like those rules. A lot. Seems to me they were written in my part of the world but the north-south Interstates have been re-named to fit circumstances... I-10 and I-40 still fit.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing somebody from Central Arizona modified it to fit their neighborhood. There are even some places where I-5 fills the bill
DeleteI don't think I would have made a good cowboy, even though I had several uncles who owned ranches.
ReplyDeleteI like it. . .
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the world of grumpy old men. I tell youths with trousers at half mast that they look like they've done something unmentionable in their pants. One day it'll get me thumped.
ReplyDeleteA surefire way to get thumped is to tell them exactly what it looks like
Delete@Skip: But even I, in my advanced old age, can run faster than some jerk with his ass hangin' outta his pants. I'm not gonna test that theory, though.
DeleteWhen can I move in?
ReplyDeletewith a few minor modifications it would work well for PA as a warning to NYC/metro NJ transplants.
ReplyDeleteIn general, I think the whole world would be a better place if these rules were adopted. I'm not saying that I haven't broken one or two of them in my day, but still.
ReplyDelete